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LETTERS TO AN UNKNOWN GOD And then God ordered His seraphs to take a bit of Shakespeare and bind my mind with love bound thoughts. And what was this dreadful disaster which He created? A bit of everything He thought as He molded so my face, my limbs, and carefully curled each lock of hair giving it a tint of brown to gleam against His moon light Awe. “And just some more of my Shostakovich to make this darling sing”. O but let me sigh, my dearest God! The bit of everything created too much of one thing! Worth so much my mind takes in, intellect can only create genius until one is considered insane. I will die before the world can ever have a taste of my wonder. You and I most clearly know that. To only think upon what will be said as I kneel before Your throne in Judgment. And place my gaze into Your eyes I will as I hear You say how I have left You, betrayed You and have strayed. And what of You?—My Dearest Sovereign... had You not left me to that deafening silence? All those nights I went stumbling upon the nothing in the darkness just in search of You. Ah, You did not think of the mourn You dared entwine me with, now did You? You break my heart... And I will watch all of life take its advantages with me and see just how much I was meant to take. Call upon all nine Your choirs and whisper to Your dearest Seven on how You failed to save me from his sin. And will You watch but grieve as Abaddon takes me to his deepest pit? My God, my God, my God... I only loved you with no limits. ~A.G.M
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Hold my hand... I despise feeling so alone. Strange though isn’t it? That I dread on being alone yet welcome it always. I feel it’s better that way. I’m like a bloody poison ready to inject my venom into all who love me. Yes... love me. You’ll end up hating me completely in the end. Let me be your little loved one, trust in me when I say I’ll more than satisfy you. I need you. Yes. You, I need you. I love you. You don’t know how much I long for you, I burn to feel your lips brush up against mine with a tease that leads to such endless swoons. I want you, I always have. I dream of having you in my arms, locked to me, so close you can feel my heart pounding up against your tender chest. Let me love you just like you've always dreamed about being loved. *traces your neck then softly kisses you and whispers* Don’t deny me. ~A.G.M
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Expect me to fail in the worst of ways so that I may see a smile grace the tenderness of your lips when I succeed. I am nothing extraordinary, and I... can accept that *smiles gently*. You ask me who I am, what kind of life have I had, and how I view this silly little world through these sad pair of curious eyes that tell the story for its self? Well, darling, hasn't anyone told you yet? I'm an actress. And a fine one at that. I'll feed you all you want to hear but never will you truly see what lies beyond this silver veil. Don't stare too long, my little angel, I'd be broken if the glimmer blinded you. *sighs* Spare me the dread, I am allowing you to label me yourself; I am after all... whatever your eyes want to see. ~ A.G.M
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Never would I have thought that I would let myself fall into this world of make-believe. Oh but how I feed my mind all the sufficient lies that I convince myself to be true. Damned be that bloody night I let myself fall in too deep. But how could I have stopped it from taking full control of me? My god, it’s almost impossible to not intoxicate my mind in him. Another able to capture ones imagination in such a way as he has done? Never, my dearest. It’d be a crime to try to replace what you have made. Slowly but so affectively, he injects all of his memories; those feelings and emotions. I find myself becoming just more like him. Not frightening, but more exciting. I’m anxious to see how well I’m learning. And what a fine teacher he has been, ha! He’s clueless on what he’s teaching. But yet, I confess another has managed to have charmed me. But no... I can not find myself to want him, nor any other that is presented to me. I’m annoyed by all I’m feeling and this damned silence only makes it horrid. Plus, the silly match making my family has been playing with is draining me completely. ~ A.G.M
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Oh I write this only in hope that you can come back to me, my dearest. I miss you in no other way I could ever miss another and I long to feel you close. Your presence has abandoned me and all that's left is this simple bitterness of what's now left. Here lingering in my darkest corners, I only pray that you'll remember. ~ A.G.M
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Touch that silver stone where I can find my God awaiting I can release all that I’ve held in, all that has hurt me Engraved within my weary heart is every time I’ve heard the same things No different am I really, I can admit to that one always Oh but hold them back, these tears, I don’t want them to see me at my worst peek Hide this hurt, it pains too much to not find what I’ve longed for and still seek But lift my head, my sleepy angel, it’s become hard for me to follow What an agony it really is to hear my cries now sound so hollow Unwind for me my memories, let me bathe in things I’ve found peace Ah, but where, my God? Where has all the warmth of these things gone to? And here still bound by you, my darkest one, you keep me firm in where I stand I could never say goodbye to you, not even after all the countless times you’d deny my eager hand Yell it loud for me! My stubborn heart rejects to receive such a denial Yes... I know right now I’m weak but if you wait you’ll see again the real me Oh but I fool you still too easy No, no game is being played but you have yet to still unmask me See these eyes, these tears Your words never fail to cut my soul deep Alas, I hear your truth of just how much you’ve grown to hate me But love me, dear, I can not stand to know how you despise me Depressed still, my darling? I’ve tried to light your darkness with just small things Little do you ever know I too hurt still, always and indifferently It amazes me to see how well I can disguise from you such suffering I am fragile, and you have dropped me Forgive me if I’ve smile, and if I’ve cared to kiss you but I speak to you and find there’s still light left in this world after all And now my eyes burn so and I haven’t enough tears to drain the hurt that you have caused me I know you couldn’t care less so I don’t expect the slightest of your sympathy And yes I can still say I love you always, even after all the shit you’ve said that has hurt me ~ A.G.M *smiles* Ah, but I have to admit. You bring the best out of me. *sighs* I know I've been a bit too suborn in excepting your decisions, but believe me dear, I'm trying. Perhaps this thing I feel just may pass. But unfortunatly for you, it looks like you're stuck with the little girl that goes crazy when you say Ew. And jumps on you to give you 27 kisses. And who knows what other strange things *smiles*
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Let that tender kiss course its poison through my veins; alas I feel our pulse entwine as one. Reign for me, my Goddess; bring back the lust and memory of our love..
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Growing distant, love ~ A.G.M
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Ah, and a vain child you are! But no my little beauty You have yet to strike my soul with fire But don't doubt of that I tell you when I say the flame is there Feed me all my fantasies and my passion won't course just through your ears No, but instead through out your every limb I'll have you kneeling for just more ~ A.G.M
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I give and give these honest words for love, and yet... I am not satisfied. What have I got to do to receive what I deserve? Most I give my love and wisdom to don't even deserve it. Pft, please, I can make them fall in love with just the aura of my charm. And what can their sweet little lover's do?? Nothing! Nothing unless you count the high emotion they get from having to deal with daily arguments. *sighs irritably* Mon dieu, how long must I wait? I know, I know, be patient. I know. It's just so difficult to cope with at times. *sighs* Perhaps it's better off that way anyways. It'll come, I just need to not give it as much thought as I have been giving it. And I know... I must not become jealous... ~A.G.M
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~ A.G.M
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I’ve never been one to sit and wait for change but tonight, I thought I’d do things a bit differently. Hours pass and still this emptiness that kills lays steep within me. Crying and yelling in the inside for a way to break away. Praying in the scent of lavender for some way to find this change. I wait, and my God does not respond. I’ve grown to truly hate silence. I despise every moment of nothing that I hear. I use to see the beauty that lies within what is silent but it’s turned to be my prison. I don’t like it when I speak like this. I should be ashamed for what I say, for there are far much more worse out there. Old memories of those who’ve I’ve kept close to my heart seem to be nothing but old dreams I keep revisiting. I wouldn’t want to blame it on the man that once held close to me because I’ve lost his voice within me, and I can not possibly give my opinion on a man whom I hardly knew because the memory fails to come to me. I make the best out of what I’m available to, but it’s simply not enough. I will not ask for one to care or to give me their attention because what they think will only be worse. Can they truly care? I think it’s just they can’t stand but to just want to know why an other morns. Today she said “I miss him” and I saw the tears weld up in those lovely brown eyes. I could feel the agony of that her heart crying out because she wishes just to see him again. I held on close to her and did not dare to let her go. I know this feeling and when I needed one to hold me, my arms were all that were there to comfort me. I made sure this would not be the same for her. After I made way home my mind began to drift again. The simplest things like long hallways can bring the vision of when those last moments occurred. To relive that day of when I saw him raise his hands to the heavens. And… to be quite honest, I think that’s what keeps my faith still strong. You know… I wonder. Maybe I’m trying to fill in the space that he left so open. The love of that man I never received still kills me every night. I despise my self, I hate me for the things that I’ve become. And I’ll be honest enough to say that I’ve truly turned out for the worse. That love that I crave, that love that I need, that love I yearn for to tame my heart in peace will perhaps just one day come. For now I suppose the moonlit street is all that calls for my attention.
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( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )
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~All words one shall speak will only vanish through the cliché of nonsense . The same story that repeats its self with everyone; so unhappy, so abandon, and just SO broken. Can it possibly be that deep within us we all somehow share the specific similar feelings? The same insecurities, and hopes? No… It can’t be.~ ~ A.G.M ~
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To whisper an Immortal's name like your's in burning passion. Yes I crave to know you deeper and I long to feel your presence. Speak to me my Broken Angel, grace me with your words of honesty. I sit beneath the silver light and wait for you to find me, and if you sleep then let my words awaken you to love me. Yes... love me, dear one, the way that I have loved you... ~ A.G.M
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Soft silky skin
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...*chuckles* I think it's rather pathetic how people have a way of thinking that just because it's a new year, you get to start fresh an new. Right... Nothing changes really. You're still stuck with yesterdays problems, and all of last months issues are still going to haunt you days from today. *sighs* I use to think this way. I still do to be quite honest. Every night I hope for tomorrow’s day to be a new start, but then again... I just crave a way out of the position in life I'm in, in general. I'm still a young one, and perhaps... I may just be going through what every one else goes through at this age. I hate to think that way though. I despise it when others say I don't know what I'm talking about because I'm still a kid, or that I'm just going though my "stages". Huh, funny how I'm wiser than most adults that have the nerve to say that to me. What I do look forward to this year though, is next New Years eve. *laughs some* I like to take a trip down memory lane every year and just compare the way I use to think to how much knowledge I know now. So in the end I guess I do make some sort of an idea that things will turn out for the best *smiles* haha, like I've said to my self more than enough times; I never really do end up making sense in the end. Aww man! I was speaking to my Grandfather this afternoon to wish him a happy New Year, and he pops up with the "when are you going to find you're self a man". *groans* Honestly, I don't see how my family want's me to find some guy, when clearly all guys my age are complete and total jerks! All boys between thirteen through nineteen think about (not all) is basically just having sex and getting high off of Christmas bud. I deserve better than that. Most of the people I've dated have always had an intelligent state of mind. I can't stand having a conversation with an amature about how they fucked some fine ass girl last night (pardon my language). Last time I checked a book has helped me far much more than any man has. I told my mother and grandfather to just let me find "the right one" at my own pace. Another truth of mine, is that really... I don't want to even get married. The thought kind of keeps up on me in a place that I never wish to visit. Well, that'll be all for this evening. My older sister and I have made a strange arrangement of plans *smiles*
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Sing for you my fallen angel, I miss the beauty of your life
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[I don't feel comfortable using his real name on here, so I suppose I'll refer to him as him for every time I speak of him or wish to say his name *smiles* maybe just for this entry though] It's been a while since I last spoke to him... Now him.... him I'm not to sure I know of how he feels. I've asked him more that twice if he wish's for me to leave him alone, yet he does not respond to this quite clearly. He responds in a rather... beautiful way of asking me to stay, to just try tolerate him. As I told him, I will not ever shame the love I hold for him for any one or any thing, and that will remain within me the same now and far beyond when my time ends.
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